Adios! my friends!

Several of my friends are leaving the US and going back to their home countries this summer. Some of them have been thinking and struggled around the decisions and have finally made up their minds. I'm totally happy that they are moving toward to the better life in their hearts. In the meantime, I feel absolutely lonely and sad of losing friends in my life.

I myself have doubts to stay in this country every now and then. It's never easy to be a first-generation immigrant. I often think of my forefathers who went across the "black trench" (The Taiwan Straights) from China to Taiwan couple hundred years ago. Under what situation did they leave their hometown? Were they forced to leave? Or did they volunteer to leave and believe they were earning a better life? Did they ever expect to flourish on a barren island? And, most important of all, did they ever imagine that they would have a descendant who is stupid enough to even go across the Pacific to another new land? Ocassionaly, I have to encourage myself to stay in this country by my forefather's expereinces. I mean, if they could have survived under a poor and difficult environment in the old times, why can't I survive or even thrive in a modern time- where I can skype Mommy anytime, and poor in materials is not an issue anymore? Because of this, I'm still trying to stay put in this country, persuing my American dream. And boy, there is definitely some fun to live a foreign life.

But my friend, what I really want to say is that thank you so much for being a friend for the whole time. I appreciate the laughs and tears we shared together over these years. I cherish the memory when you came to pick me up in LAX the first day I arrived in this country. I remember our stupid one-day drive merely to a tiny waterfall that was allegedly to be world-class beautiful. And I won't forget the time we partied together and the jazz show in a cold night with fireworks.

Adios! My friend. Although I wanted you to be here with me, I know you are following your heart to a wonderland. Enjoy the sweet home and keep up a good living. I might follow you soon to go home, or I'll stay here and keep a guestroom for you. I look forward to hearing from you ab0ut your new life.

Take good care of yourself! My love and best wishes are with you!

老樣子

好久不見了,你問我最近如何，我頓時百感交集，一時不知從何說起，只好先反問你過的如何？ 你聳聳肩說”還是老樣子”。

我在心中琢磨，老樣子，那是什麼意思? 我想我不是老樣子。

老樣子有沒有反義詞？那會是新樣子嗎？而我, 是新樣子嗎？

我好像也不是新樣子，因為我的外觀跟從前一模一樣。然而這一年來我心中已經峰迴路轉不知幾番了。

如果一年多前作的是另外那個決定，我想我現在也還是老樣子。蟄居在那個有著粉紅色地毯的小公寓，每天到山坡上的小辦公室上班。當時狠心決定離開，千里迢迢搬到陌生的都市，其實就是想換個樣子．我已忘了是誰教育我人要有改變才會成長，或是要成長才會改變。總之這一年多來我用力的生活著, 工作的時候求表現, 交朋友的時候搏感情, 休閒玩樂的時候拼老命。就怕這自在的日子結束時，如果我沒替自己作些什麼,將遺憾終生。

然而就算我使勁的想抓住命運, 緣份這回事又有誰能掌控? 今天在分手的地方不期而遇是我始料未及。坦白說那一刻我真怕你會走過來跟我打招呼，然後說我看起來都沒變。

回頭想想我又何必如此好強，也許我看起來都沒變, 可我自己知道，這一路走來, 我隨著週遭風光上上下下, 有舊雨有新知, 有收穫有受傷; 加加減減我得到的比失去的多多。

在這個具有紀念意義的23號,我想給自己一點鼓勵。我的新樣子或許還沒成形,但我知道,我跟Fiona Apple一樣，在往一個"A better version of me"邁進。

Knock me out when spring really ends

Spring has come and passed (almost)
The innocence can never last
Knock me out when spring really ends

Like my passions come to pass
3 months has gone so fast
Knock me out when spring really ends

Blessed by the young star again
Glimmering in the sky
Too green to shine like sun
That's truly who i am

As my hope have rested
But never forget what I've gained
Knock me out when spring really ends

Spring has come and passed
The innocence can never last
Knock me out when spring really ends

Sing out the the song again
Like we did when the year began
Knock me out when spring really ends

Blessed by the young star again
Glimmering in the sky
When can it glitter like true?
That's what i have dreamed of

As my memory rests
But never forget what I've lost
Knock me out when spring really ends

Spring has come and passed
The innocence can never last
Knock me out when spring really ends

Like my passions come to pass
Thirty years has gone so fast
Knock me out when spring really ends
Knock me out when spring really ends
Knock me out when spring really ends

Adapted from Green Day, "Wake me up when September Ends". I'd like to dedicate this song to a long-time respectful friend who has led me to believe a dream is coming true. A dream so wonderful that I didn't want to wake up from, although I knew it's gonna end as spring ends.

麻油雞的滋味

星期一傍晚在大華買菜,正猶豫晚餐不知要吃啥,恰好看到麻油雞面線的泡麵。ㄟ,已經想不起來上次吃麻油雞是什麼時候，天氣又濕又冷,正適合煮個熱騰騰的雞湯來喝。大華的雞肉一向不好吃,於是我放下本來要買的豬排,衝到日本超市買"地雞",家裡有台灣來的黑麻油,正好來煮一鍋麻油雞。

煮這道麻油雞的時候,總讓我想到二姑婆。隻身剛到美國來時,二姑婆一家人也住在南加。我週末常開車50哩路到她家打牙祭,閒話家常。二姑婆年屆80,一頭銀髪,雖有耳背,高血壓等小毛病,但整體來說身體狀況良好,精神爍爍。平日嗜好是打麻將,烹飪,還有跟老公小孩(都已50歲以上)伴嘴吵架。二姑婆的廚藝在家族中是有名的，一些台式小吃,例如油飯,米粉湯,酸菜炒大腸...二姑婆煮的是路邊攤職業級水準。我也跟她學了幾道簡單的，但是少了60年的經驗,煮出來的東西就是差了一大截。

二姑婆愛吃雞肉,一日不可不食雞，因此她的雞肉料理也特別好吃。我最愛她的燒酒雞,她通常叫她女兒特別到越南人的店買土雞,麻油也有講究，並且二姑婆整鍋雞湯不加一滴水,全由正宗台灣米酒燒成。煮出的燒酒雞又香又濃,雞肉Q的恰到好處,有麻油的香,卻沒有麻油的膩。老媽,雖然你的三杯雞也是很好吃,但是不好意思,二姑婆的麻油燒酒雞才是王道啊。

當時敏姨一家人也常到二姑婆家,我們總能在飯桌上坐一整天，聊親族之間的八卦,罵台灣的政治人物,再聽老人們回顧愛恨情仇的家族史。午餐可能吃個姑婆跟姑丈公合作的的獅子頭,下午點心吃敏姨自己作的蘿蔔糕,晚餐再吃燒酒雞,宵夜吃米粉湯,一天一下就過去了。如果當天晚上我住她們家,隔天早上還得吃肉燥飯當早餐。以我那時淒苦的生活來看，到二姑婆家過一個週末好像去度一個豪華的假。

兩年前好友阿玲到美國生產，住在作月子中心,每天也吃麻油雞,麻油腰花等等。我去探訪時也吃了一些---結論是外面麻油雞真難吃。後來阿玲的媽媽從台灣扛了米酒,北港黑麻油來,親自下廚幫阿玲作月子。她們回去的時候,那剩下的珍貴黑麻油自然就留給我,於是拖阿玲女兒小艾瑪的福,我也能煮出香噴噴的麻油雞了。

這幾年來我失去了一些至親長輩,但生活中也出現了幾個新的小生命。上次回台灣時看到小艾瑪已經滿地趴趴走,回想之前看到她時她才剛滿月,還只會躺在床上哭,現在皮到抓都抓不住。老人淍零,小孩自顧自的長大。生命的巨輪不管在哪裡,都兀自轉動，不曾為誰停下。

二姑婆已不能再下廚,要吃麻油雞只好自己來。於是我回家燒熱鍋子,倒下黑麻油,油熱了之後煸香薑片,再下雞腿肉。我也放了一整瓶公賣局台灣米酒，等酒精燒光了,就是一鍋香濃醇厚的麻油雞。外面下著滂沱大雨,氣溫大約華氏4７，我獨自在家啜飲著雞湯,米酒跟麻油的味道在我嘴中化開來,那裡面有著地雞肉的香味,還有人生的滋味。


This was originally posted in my MSN space on 3/22/2007.

A heart on a roller coaster

My heart has been riding on a roller　coaster in the past month, no, actually, in the past few months since I witnessed Giants win Dodgers after a row of losses.

I've been having nights of insomnia because of excitements alternating with nights of insomnia because of disappointments. Confusion, delusion, expectation and suspicion one came after another to my hectic life. Being flattered, feeling hurt, abusing others and being abused all happened at the same time. After a while, I'm acting like one of those melancholy characters in Wong Kar-wai's movies.

I recently gave a talk on SLE about its up and down symptoms. I don't have SLE, why do I also have ups and downs drastically? Is it God's curse to all scientists who try to crack on Pandora's box? Or is it because I've been drinking too much coffee and tea to wash down my feverish heart?

No, no, my dear, it's not your fault; it's not Dr. W's fault. And I won't blame the Indian prophet nor Teacher Pan the Taiwanese fortune teller. It's just my vulnerable feelings, and this sensitive woman heart.

One of my favorite quote from a book is "Every road leads to Rome, it's just not the road you anticipated in the first place". I don't care if I can get to Rome, i only pray I can still walk after I get off the roller coaster.

This was posted in my MSN space on 2/20/2007.

有緣千里來相會

星期天深夜,收到一個令人驚喜的電子郵件
一個失聯多年的老朋友寄來一封信,
說她在整理通訊錄的時候發現我的電子信箱,
決定寄個信來看看我這個信箱還通不通。
巧的是本週末我剛好就要到她居住的都市:一個我已８年沒有造訪，800哩外的都市。
於是我們相約見面，然而要彌補這8年的空白,有太多的話要跟對方說，有太多的心事要分享。
我們太激動,等不及週末,兩人在24小時內通了8封信,外加一個中英文夾雜的電話。

這幾年來,朋友對我來說越來越重要。
我曾經喜歡到沒有人認識我的地方生活，
我曾經以為就算全世界只剩我一個人,我也活的下去。
然而顯然我老了,現在我不再有自信,我不再喜歡到人生地不熟的地方。
這兩個月,搬到一個整個城裡認識不到5人的都市,感觸尤深。

人家說有緣千里來相會, 無緣相逢不相識。
但是朋友關係,還是需要經營。
知交難尋，我不想再跟一些"麻吉"失聯。
不想等"有空"時才跟朋友聯絡,或是"有事"的時候才找朋友。

我決定積極的跟朋友hook up,
我要讓我的朋友知道,
你們溫暖了我的心靈,豐富了我的生活。
讓我在這個世界,不唱獨腳戲。
而我希望我們的關係，可以永遠繼續下去。

芋頭糕,希望你看的到這封信。

This was originally posted in my MSN space in May, 2006.